Yes, I know, it's indecently early. But I am waking from a good hour, and browsing the web in order to give you some crap this afternoon, I found this thing !
I've read all ...
Ok, I read only the title and the first three rows, it is not really that I will publish this post. But I came so, try to see what comments come out spontaneously, without being prepared for reading.
I hope you'll like.
begin to read, I want to see if my crap-Radar is working fine
Title: tales or not ?!?!?! (How could I resist this wonderful title?)
Author: fatina14
Series: Twilight (And ruin this saga is quite difficult. A lot!)
Site: EFP (The usual trash garbage from which I purchase)
My name is Elisa Binelli (Italian? Justifies this, right?) , I'm 17 years old and live in a small town called Forks (Here, I knew . Imagine. It will be the usual self-inserction. But usually they are less blatant) , here the weather is always cloudy, raining always (synonymous with "always" do not exist, as all know. And the joints are bad) in a nutshell is torture (Comma) least for me. I (Come on? This error does not ever prevent it?) live with my grandmother since I was born, my grandmother has more than 85 years (Why say " and more than "and not to the exact year? You do not know how old your grandmother?" And then the numbers in the stories are written with the letters!) and can say that has a screw out of place (How well want your grandmother) , perhaps has been the death of my (Eddagliela I'm with "my", "me" and company) grandfather or maybe it's old age. When he gets near her necklace and says strange nonsense type MONSTERS ARE COMING FROM THE NIGHT BUT I DO NOT LIKE THE OTHERS ARE DIFFERENT, HAVE A HEART EVEN if you have stopped a long time to fight. THERE ARE ONLY THEM, THERE ARE OTHER BAD UNSCRUPULOUS .... BUT ALL LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ... .. (He says it's right, a chapel and red dots included) (That stuff is disgusting, come on. You can not.) (But then what sense is it written?! Really, beyond me ) and say these things when he stops, closes his eyes and gives off a shriek (not screaming his throat. No. She made it, as is done with the smell) ( If you avoid using difficult words that you do not know ...) ... ... Every time I go up there and (Granny, not that you have something to confess? Type a trip to Casablanca because at a young age ...) wonder if all goes well, she always says yes, but not (The grandmother is here beside me, and it is very, very sad by the fact that Elisa has grown without learning the most basic rules of grammar. Oh, and we would like to remind you that since my grandmother, then in possession of the uterus at one time running, the trip to Casablanca has never done) I think ; has dark circles, it seems that does not sleep for days. So (What lousy sentence! Already started badly with that point next to the "So." Fairy, do not feel that it sounds bad?) one day propose to change the air for some time but she always answers no (started poorly and ended worse. If you ask for things just like that ;, it means that you do it once, by chance. So it is that you can always say no. At most I'll say again) , saying that our place is here (Ok, we score, the She did not know how to use the three dots, does not distinguish between "the" from "le" and is not accustomed to correct capitalization. Cara, by chance you missed the first year of primary school? No, because otherwise you will not explain) . Today when I came back from school I felt a strange sensation that I do not know how to explain it myself (Ok, I do not know what to correct. I should rewrite the sentence to make them make sense) . I open the door home, and within (If you walked into without opening it I was concerned) , there is my grandmother who is the 'in front of a huge mirror, never seen, maybe it was down to the basement. (Even here, what do you comment?) The greeting and ask if everything is OK and where he took the mirror, she answers, you (And this "is" that makes us out here? Have you lost, little girl? ) \u0026lt;\u0026lt; ; THE BEGINNING. >> I do not understand (Eh, but I think what we understand ...) the beginning of what?? (question who did not want to be disturbed ...) \u0026lt;\u0026lt;Grandma call a doctor, you're sick (It is bad only because it reflects and says, "start"? And if you do cough, call the hearse?) I always say you need a rest, you have to stay in bed but .... >> I'm not finish speaking (why bother to say crap) and tells me: \u0026lt;\u0026lt;do not need no doctor, approached the mirror, stand next to me and looks. All your questions will be revealed, do not you ever wonder what had happened to your parents ?????? (Elena, look to use one, a question mark instead of a hundred thousand, does not change anything!) What had happened to your grandfather ????? (But what do I say this ...) Come here and get all the answers. (A part that the bullet would go out, now I just want to see that beautiful answer who invents) >> Ok, I was getting really scared, my grandfather had died doing (Facendo. ..) a road accident in Italy, exactly in Volterra, as he walked (Ah here, then "doing" was wrong more than I thought!) . A drunk guy the investment! (But I've bought in discount 'sti so? What, there was the offer "and type in one They come out ten"?) But my parents did not know, (That's where the missing comma before!) I knew nothing except that they too were dead (So you know something) .... \u0026lt;\u0026lt; grandmother (the hunting of capital, by God!) , you know that my grandfather died in Italy for ("In" we do not want to use their own eh ...) a car accident, and now you come with me, I'll take you to bed. >> I was approaching to take her hand but she was + (my holy Madonna. I figured it was bad, but you are touching peaks of unimaginable atrocities) quickly to me, drew close to the mirror (E) you put the necklace in front. The mirror and lit them (there) there was a sequence of images (A coincidence, the film Titanic, maybe) between those images and my grandfather was also bitten by by (Umpa, da da umpaaa ... uh, sorry) ... . What was that monster?? (I hope you will split the key to force pigiarlo!) Images ended early, I was in shock, what the hell the images were. All those things I said about my grandfather were crap (There was only a picture of someone biting your grandfather, from which the cabbage can deduce that they were all bullshit? Then, all .. .'s death at the most) , the explanations I had absolutely!! (Even this you should split, of course) \u0026lt;\u0026lt;GRANDMOTHER>> (And here the exclamation that there was good ...) (It broke mica button? I hope there eh. ..) the (Oh, the small mercies of the Lord) said (at most "the urlasti) , she turned to me and took me on the couch , began to speak; \u0026lt;\u0026lt;you know that more than a century our family is considered the Vampire Slayer: ( Why use punctuation as it seems to you! It's not an artistic thing, there are rules!) Let me finish then you can ask me to explain everything you want, ( Other areas and other poor random fixed point was without a job. You should feel very guilty, know this) each individual by the name Scinà Binelli and has the power to kill + (ok,, what comment to make now ...) vampires possible (That shit is power to kill vampires + possible "? At most it is a duty ...) , of course until you are bled of their blood (I wonder what else you can be bled, as specified) (But then that speech is, it is normal when you are out you can not kill anyone, thank you!) . This series here (Just this eh, not that other there) protects us in the sense that conceals our true identity Vampire Slayer, to so that vampires do not kill us. Be aware that not all families Scinà Binelli and have this power because every Vampire Slayer must have a strong heart willing to do anything (eh sorry, but thank fuck. I do not see what the heart has to do to strong. If you're destined for even if you are a coward) , also separated from her child. For example, your mother, she had a strong heart, you just came into the world, ; you entrust (entrusted, if anything) me to make sure that your future was a bit ' + (What problems do you have with the word "more" fairy?) peaceful but for his bad luck after birth, had gone along with your father to kill a vampire and they were very strong killed (Look, Fairy, the next time you write something, go to 'link and see if I'm useful: Click me to learn new words ) both. You know we are not the only ones who kill vampires, but there are also shape shifters. They only defend their territories, but we walk above in Italy (E caper that we do so in Forks, which is the only place where there are already deficient the werewolves?) . There there lies a strong family of vampires, the Volturi are called rumors say that (You'll understand the voices, all the St. Vamp. It was enough to catch one to be sure) , we also say ; that this family is stronger than any vampire killer, however, today I'll take you to the push (who enjoyed the capital) , there are the shape-shifting and there (Yes, there, we understand) you will be protected, and you can even begin to discover your powers! (But you had broken the? It's not nice to break it hopes other eh) questions?>> (Eh. maybe a couple, you're saying? Madonna, is ; fool even his grandmother. ok, you could tell by how he talks) \u0026lt;\u0026lt;So now I'm getting the ansi Vampires Changeling (No dear, And Vampires Changeling) ?? but they were not only favoleeeeeee (What is this disease that is stretching the words? But it contagious? E 'grave? No, because I see that all soffron) ?? \u0026lt;\u0026lt;I thought were just fairy tales! When you take me by shapeshifter you will remain there with me, right!>> (Of course, after discovering that it is not normal human, that your son died so horrible that there are creatures in the world monstrous, one is concerned with 'is bitch) My grandmother began to laugh, a laugh between (I'm hysterical laughter, no longer holds her niece) el other replied: \u0026lt;\u0026lt;but of course not, my time is over, now I can also reach our family. (Chiuse. quotes .. uh ...?) I felt bad, she was everything I had, I could not leave like that, then he says: "I do not want to be a Vampire Slayer! NOT WITHOUT YOU !!!!>> (yells Fuck do you know only you) She extension (I begin to suspect that the button has broken the "O") necklace and placed it between my hands, \u0026lt;\u0026lt; This will protect you from every single vampire (I doubt, given the nice effect made by the alliance goes rio ) not you be so stupid as to not understand. Without you the world will be dominated by vampires, then you can not escape your fate, you want to know why they are still alive?? The reason is simple (I say nothing, I swear that I remain silent .. .) until the necklace is in my hands, and the heir is not yet ready to have it, I can continue to live for 100 (Cento) years but when the heir is ready I am forced to give it to him without his consent. >> (I 'is only girl seems ready for a psychiatric examination, other than Slayer) not wanted, not wanted, not wanted, (we get it!) but why? ?? \u0026lt;\u0026lt;I'm not ready and never will be (I hate to admit it, but I agree with her) , if you're not on my side, please grandmother leave me.>> By now the tears began to fall. I saw (But because people do not re-read?) my grandmother approached me and said: \u0026lt;\u0026lt;my baby, do not cry, now you'll be sad but one day you'll understand everything. You are the last heir of the family and Binelli Scinà and not have to worry about what will happen to me, you just know that I love you !!!>> (Oh God, what bad pictures that I comes to mind. Bleah, gradually, shoo!) (I no to vomit, sorry) (-----------------) (Ok, here I am) My grandmother took me three hands face and said: \u0026lt;\u0026lt;Elisa I you must promise that everything I tell you, the you have to do even if what you say and foolish or stupid. If I say run, you escape, if I tell you to hide, you hide without saying anything, ok?>> (But you were not cracks?) He (Suddenly, the present) a face so serious, I just wish that if it were a dream, to wake up as soon as possible, because I did not like! (But-that-shit-of-sentence) \u0026lt;> My grandmother turned to one of the windows on the face and had a 'terrified expression, which was going on?? (Ah boh, unless you know you're there) \u0026lt;\u0026lt;Elisa, a vampire is coming here to kill us, (Oh shit, but so soon? So you and for seventeen odd years you've never removed the necklace? Who knows how many hairs will be stuck in the closing time) but here we'll stay just me!! You're going to push the!! This vampire has the power of the hound (Shit I'll never know ...) in the sense that it is enough to smell you, he'll find anywhere in the world, (The grandmother speaks as an immigrant in Italy six months. Or rather, is the author who has the same mastery of a clandestine Italian) but the necklace will protect you, his power is great now and get the keys run!! >> I had promised and could not all remain (not really your own opinion, but if the plot so he wants ...) , I went to my grandmother, I gave her a kiss on the cheek and he says: "I love you. >> I turned the car keys taken, I went home, went inside the mini cooper, I put in motion and set off at full speed into the woods hoping that I would (to find) found a path that would take me to the push (who wants to capitalize like before) + the soon as possible! ( And this was the first chapter. Imagine the other, when they will have to manage multiple characters) (Have you noticed how the author has not felt in the mood to go head to never ever ever? I will, I've lost a couple of diopters)
Finished!
What can I say, I hope you enjoy it.
Actually re-reading I took at least half of the more verbose comments and most of those fussy, because now there was a line of pink every three words, and exaggerating: p Hope you
like a nice day ^ ^
This time I am very fun to write.
Ps: Maybe the girl is fourteen years old. This does not justify ignoring the fact that some of the most basic rules of grammar, absolutely, even if he says the naivete of the plot. What
still sucks, and I was writing at his age without posting meaningful stuff around.
So Fairy, I hope that my criticisms will help you grow as a writer.
course, does not mean that I will continue to comment on your work, as long as it is now will remain mediocre. I'll do it and I have fun there, because I'm a bitch and bad acid: p
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